Boasting in my weakness

So I've been doing a Bible study on trials through the Women's ministry in our church this summer. All I can say is Wow. It's deep, emotional and intense. Great stuff! I'm really connecting with more women in my church (yay!) and learning more about drawing closer to God though my trials.

One thing talked about today was sharing what God did for us through our trials so that we can glorify Him. It is through our weakness that He shows His strength and His goodness. In other words, boast about my weakness for God's glory. In general, I tend to keep my problems low key. I don't share my struggles with many people, because, well, it's personal. But I think that there are somethings that have happened in my life that I need to "boast" about so that others can see the amazing things that He has, and is continuing to do.

The most recent trial for me started in January 2008. Mark and I reached the all important decision in a marriage: we were ready for kids. So we started trying. Things were OK for a while. I went to the doctor for a routine check up in August 2008. It was a new doctor, so we chatted a bit about my health history and that Mark and I were trying for a baby. A few things I said made her go "hmmmm...." the end result was that she ran a series of tests on me. By August 15th, I was diagnosed with Polycisitic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). This diagnosis meant a slew of future health problems, including a greater risk for ovarian cancer and heart failure. However, the immediate issues were also grim: women with PCOS had difficulties getting pregnant and had a greater risk of miscarriage if they did get pregnant.

Basically, there was a fairly good chance that we would never have children.

I was heartbroken.

And angry.

Mark and I are good people. We work hard and try our best to live the "right" way. Why would something like this happen to us?

I won't go into all my anger issues at this time. They were many and rather unpleasant.

Eventually, I found myself, on my face, crying to God each night: Why?

A letter from my mom, who had gone through similar questions and issues 30 plus years before helped me see this issue in a different light. While "why" is a fair question, it isn't often answered, and even less so in a way that my slow brain can fully comprehend. For me, focusing on "why" didn't help the pain, it just hurt more.

I had to come to a place where I realized the most important fact: my question should not be "why" but "who." I thought of the possible years a head of me, facing various infertility treatments, and the consent disappointment of the negative test results each month. And I realized that I had to decide who was in control. Me or God.

Giving everything, utterly and completely over to Him was harder than words can express. But eventually I said, and truly meant "Your will, not mine." I knew full well that this might mean never having children, and I knew full well that, if that was the case, I would be content in God's grace and love.

On December 6th, 2008, I had a positive pregnancy test. I could go on about all the amazing ways Mark and I saw God work through the pregnancy, but that would take too long. It is sufficient to say that on August 11th, 2009, at 3:28 am, Robyn Grace was born. She is the most amazing blessing. She is my daily constant reminder, that God's grace is more than enough for my needs, that God is in control of every situation in my life, and that God's will, not mine, is the best possible plan for my life.

Amy

Philippians 4:4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all; the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds.